Dabbling in Toxicity

Words and Illustration by Jaqueline Bautista

As the New Year started, social media platforms were flooded with inspirational quotes, new gym videos, and memes about toxic relationships. Recently I have been seeing posts about spotting toxic relationships and leaving toxic people in the past. This whole movement begins with the idea of bettering yourself. The concept of self-care has extended from face masks and adding fruit to your water, to cleansing yourself of any negative energy and people in your life. A post I found on Instagram on the account @Selfcarettiippss, lists the following as toxic behavior in a partner:

• Everything is about them.
• They're jealous of your other friends.
• They try to control you.
• They only talk to you when they have a problem.
• They don't listen to your problems.
• They get mad at you easily.
• They aren't happy about your successes.

It'seasy to point fingers, but the truth is we all have dabbled in toxicity. AsValentine's Day approaches, the concept of toxic relationships weighs heavy onmy shoulders, and I want to express my thoughts on a few things that I considerto be toxic behavior.

 1.Speaking in the Second Person

         We often try to detach ourselves fromthe way that we feel or from beliefs that we have. Instead of saying ‘this ishow I feel’ we may choose to say “people feel this way in general.” Forexample, someone asks, “How do you make an egg?” you would respond, “First, youput the pan on the stove.” With this response, you have assumed that everyoneputs the pan on the stove first. Instead, your response should be “First, I put the pan on the stove.” Takeownership of your actions. In this way, you speak only for yourself and nevergeneralize for others.

2. I Just Know

         Manyof us believe that we know how other people feel. I am guilty of doing somyself; I will often find myself believing I know how the other person willfeel about a situation. In reality, I know nothing. I only know how I think the other person will feel. Thisbehavior ties to the idea that only you have control over your own actions. Stopthinking that the other person will get upset, when they may not think thesituation is too serious. You will find that if you put your feelings first,you will accept the other person response with ease because you know you haveno control over their reaction.

3. Get Some Rest

         Ido this all the time. All of the sudden I cannot stop thinking about the onetime I did something embarrassing, or the one time I might have told somebodytoo much information about myself, or whether or not I remembered to add pagenumbers to my assignment for class. Now I am anxious and I cannot sleep becauseof things that have happened in the past. I must remind myself that I have nocontrol over the past. If I was really embarrassed about something, it is toolate, it already happened. I cannot take it back. So do yourself a favor, andaccept the past for what it is so that you can move forward move forward; createsolutions instead of reminiscing on the problems.

4. Put Expectations to Rest

         Noteveryone will have the same level of maturity, nor be raised with the sameprinciples as you. Expecting people to think the same way you do is a naïve belief.If everyone saw things the way you did, there would never be any conflict. Ifsomeone tells you they think something is a problem, and you do not, ask themwhy it’s so important to them, instead of telling them it’s no big deal. Bygetting to know where the person is coming from, you not only allow the personto vocalize their feelings, but you learn a little about what the person islike. Although it is important to put yourself first when it comes toproblem-solving, learning to listen before getting defensive is imperative aswell.

Toxicity is not limited to how another persontreats you. You can have toxicity in the way you think, and that can, in turn,impact your relationships with others. Most important, you may have toxictraits that affect you directly. Learn to become more aware of your toxictraits and how you bring negativity into your own life. Have patience with yourown growth, and happiness will come.